craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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