You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
vagina is talking i cant
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
