if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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