we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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