im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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