Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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