Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
