Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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