once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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