Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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