So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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