i just wanna soil my oats bro
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
