k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
