Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
