i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
