My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if only i could text you this smell
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
