I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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