I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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