$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
