I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
