I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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