I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
