Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
