She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
