You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
