I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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