youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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