I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
