His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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