this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
