Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
