false alarm. still invincible.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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