Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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