I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
