woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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