I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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