i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
