I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
