you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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