Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
