you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
