Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
