It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
