phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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