I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
