i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
