I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
