I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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