I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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