I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
