Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
