ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
