I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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